Palate Cleanser "Chloe"

 I have often read tales, and heard tales, about children who were never seen without a smile. Children who maintained a smile on their face, despite having suffered great loss or seen terrible misfortune.

And this is a concept meant to comfort the listener or reader

it's intent is to allow you to feel warmth within your chest, that if this imaginary child can persevere, well by God so can you. But has anyone ever stopped to reflect

To think

maybe such a child is not something so glorious.

    When I met Chloe, she was  a picture of happiness. Her entire being was something of joy and wonder, never without her sweet dolly and a smile. I wondered why her Mother might bring such a happy child to see me. After all, most parents bring unhappy children to see a Psychologist, not blissfully happy ones. While Chloe played with her dolly in the corner, smiling and singing to herself, I turned to her Mother to ask just that.

    "Mrs. Walcolmb" I said, using my kindest, softest voice "Perhaps it's not my services that you need...."

Before I could finish, Mrs. Walcolmb was wringing her hands furiously, her eyes filling with tears.

    "It's too much Doctor Bishop" She managed to force the words out before her tears overcame her. "It's too much. I thought that.....well that is I believed......my husband died 3 months ago, did you know that Doctor Bishop?" I put my hand on hers. 

    "Yes. Yes I did know that Mrs. Walcolmb. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. But, again, it would appear that your child is adapting well. I know that's a difficult thing to hear...."

    "NO! She NEVER cries!" I was so startled by her outburst that I jumped just a little. I immediately looked over at the child, making sure she was still playing happily. She was. In fact, she seemed completely un-phased by her Mother's outburst. I had to wonder if this was a common occurrence.

    "I'm sorry, Mrs. Walcolmb. But by 'she never cries' do you mean she hasn't cried since your husband's passing?"

    "I mean she has never once cried" Mrs. Walcomb raised her hand, pink from friction, up to her nose to wipe away her sadness.

"When she was an infant, I considered myself lucky. I thought that I was so fortunate to have a child so happy. So peaceful. It took me years to conceive. I thought that when I finally did, my child would surely be a terror. That's what all my friends with children said. 'You never know what kind of a child you'll get' So when I got Chloe...." She closed her eyes now, tightly. Taking in a deep breath as she continued

"She never cried. Not for a changing. Not for a bottle. Never, not once. Not when she fell off of her tricycle. Not even when children at school pushed her down, she would always just....smile. Always smiling." 

    I'm here to tell you, this was the strangest complaint I had ever encountered. A child that never cried? That sounds like a gift from the heavens! I obliged anyhow. I thought at the very least I would be able to set a Mother's mind at ease, and perhaps suggest an adult Doctor for herself. Perhaps Mrs. Walcolmb could benefit from a strong dose of Xanax.

    After Mrs. Walcolmb left the room (I suggested going to the Cafe across the street and having a nice cup of chamomile) I began my conversation with Chloe.

She smiled and played with her dolly sweetly. I sat on the floor across from her, and began my regular banter

    "What a lovely doll you have"

    "Yes! She's my very best friend"

    "What's her name?"

    "Karla"

    "What a nice name. Where did you come up with such a lovely name?"

It was now that Chloe looked up from her playing and locked eyes with me. They were the kind of blue that you would see in a Renoir painting.

    "Karla is the name of Daddy's love" Chloe smiled so wide, and suddenly I felt a sense of unease.

    "Daddy's love?"

    "Yes! Before Daddy met Mommy, and had me, Daddy was in love with a beautiful woman named Karla" I furrowed my brow. 

    "Chloe, is this something Mommy and Daddy told you? Or is it a game?"

    "It's a game of course! A game I would play with Mommy and Daddy. Before Daddy died and went to heaven." I thought to myself in this moment that the solution was clear.

This child doesn't understand death. Why would she!

    "Chloe, my dear, do you know what that means? 'Daddy went to heaven'?"

It is now that I'm going to ask you to take a break from reading. Take a deep breath, perhaps get some water. What I'm about to tell you is going to set you on edge.

In a song bird like voice, Chloe replied

    "Of Course I do silly! Daddy is gone! Gone forever!  His body is beginning to rot now, you see. He's never ever ever ever ever coming baaaack! HAHA it's funny you see?"

    "Why would something like that be funny?"

    "Well.....The night that Daddy died, he and Mommy had a big fight. A BIG fight! Me and Karla, we were in my bedroom playing. And Daddy, Daddy yelled 'you BITCH you will NEVER understand me!' And then Mommy yelled 'Go back to your WHORE' and then I heard the door slam!"

I looked into that child's eyes and a chill ran down my spine. Looking into my eyes, with her dirty blond ringlets in a heap all around her head and cheeks, she was smiling. And not the kind of smiling when you're trying to smile through pain. I had seen that smile one too many times.

This smile

This was the smile of someone who had just told a joke. Someone who was telling about their ballet recital, or their kitty cats. This was a smile of pure joy. 

    "And then what happened Chloe" I was surprised to hear my voice shaking.

    "Daddy left the house, and didn't come back. I think he went to see his whore. What does 'whore' mean?"

    "It's a naughty word. Now, you didn't tell me why that was funny?" 

    "OH! I'm so sorry. It's funny because Daddy died. It's funny because he left the house to go to his....the naughty word.....and then he never ever ever came back. Good riddance!"

I'm sure that I don't have to tell you, this is not an appropriate response for an 8 year old. Or really anyone. I decided that maybe it was best for Chloe to continue seeing me.And I intended to tell Mrs. Walcolmb when she returned.

But

Mrs. Walcolmb never came back to the office. In fact, when I called the Cafe to see if she was alright, they told me that nobody fitting her description had been there at all.

I would like to tell you that this was a misstep. That eventually Chloe's Mother returned and I was able to schedule another session. Unfortunately, Mrs. Walcolmb never came back.

Chloe Elyse Walcolmb was immediately placed in the foster care system. She seemed unaffected by her Mother's disappearance. In fact, she seemed happy to be at her first placement.

And her second

And her third

And her fourth

Every Foster family said the same thing 

    "She's too happy"

I am sure that you were expecting something terrifying to occur here. That I would tell you that little Chloe was a murderer or an animal abuser. Or that she drowned foster siblings in a lake.

None of that, thank goodness.

But I will say this

She never stopped smiling. She never appropriately grieved the death of her Father, the disappearance of her Mother. She never wept over being moved from home to home.

She showed nothing but joy every day of her life, all the way up until 13

when the tumor  finally took her. Suddenly it all made sense.

Her mother never thought to take her to a Neurologist. Strange.

It's equally strange that she chose to take her daughter to me.

Of every child Psychologist in the world

She must have known.

Or at least made the connection. 

Then again "Karla" isn't a terribly uncommon name.

Perhaps she thought it was a coincidence.

Or perhaps not. 

Grief is a funny thing after all.

 

 

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