Bear in the woods

“Shit”

Claire pulled her fingers up over her mouth, she felt like her mother could hear her, despite being all alone. She looked at the flat tire and pinched her eyelids closed to supress the angry tears. Her Father had warned her.

“Bear, it’s important to check the tire pressure. Make sure you keep the level at-” Claire had spaced out, she didn’t care about tires. Claire cared about the ocean. She reached up to her head allowing her fingers to pull through the curls of her strawberry hair.

“Well. Fuck. I guess….I guess I could call an Uber? Maybe?” She walked around to the passengers side of the car, where she’d kept her back pack.

“Babs, it’s completely shot” She called out as she dug through her pack.

“Wwwwhhhhhhaat doooo yyooou mmmmean sshshshshshshot?” The slithery voice came from the backseat, soft and sleepy.

“I MEAN that we’re going to have to figure something out because I have a flat tire.” Claire pulled out a book collection of spooky stories for kids, a photo of her family that her mother must have shoved in there, and finally an envelope.

“Sssssssoooooo you muuuuuuusssst unnnnnflllllatten the tirrrre” Babs’s voice was louder now, Claire didn’t seem to notice.

“No shit.”

“Yoooooour mmoooooother woooould NOT caarrrre for succcchhhh lannnnguage” Claire ripped open the envelope revealing a long letter from her Father about remembering who she is, where she came from, those that love her ya ya ya ya

And then

Should you ever need help, all you have to do is call. And I left the instructions for changing a tire in the trunk. I had a feeling that you weren’t listening

Claire smiled to herself.

“Good old Richard McConnell. Always looking ahead”

“yoooooou arrrrre quuuuite lucky Little beeear. Many finnnnd that the woooods are daaaaark with nowherrrre to tuuuurn”

Claire looked towards Babs for the first time since they’d been stranded. It was beginning to get dark, so all she could make out were the two violet blue eyes softly staring into her own from the backseat.

“Nuh aw who wunder are loss” Claire butchered the phrase in a mocking teasing tone. Babs was always throwing out helpful tidbits, ever since Claire was small. Well, she was sixteen now and old enough to be able to make her own choices.

“Wait….eighteen” Claire said out loud. She wondered back to the trunk.

“Arrrrree yoooou eiiiigghteeeeen? Arrrrrre yoooou ceeeeertain?”

Claire ignored Babs for the rest of the tire changing event. She needed to completely focus on what she was doing, or else she’d mess the whole thing up.

“You arrrre a lit-tle Be-ar in the woods” Claire blinked and found herself on the road again, tire fixed going smoothly.

“Babs, I am a grown woman”

“Yooooou’vvve beeeeen saayinggg that fooooor fifteeeeen yeeeears” Claire blinked. The road looked red

How long had the sun been up?

“What are you talking about?” Claire rubbed her left eye with a closed fist.

“Itttt’ssss annnn i-d-i-o-m. Peeeeeeop ple say themmmm whennnnn they wannnnt to exp-”

“I know what an idiom is Babs. Are you saying that I’ve been telling you that I’m a grown up so often you’re sick of it? Is that it?”

“Yessssss aaaannnd Noooo,lit-tle Bear. I coooould ne-ver tire of yoooou”

Claire looked ahead. It was almost like a painting. Blue sky, the sun rising.

Or setting?

“Babs, where are we?” Claire couldn’t remember how far they’d come, and for a moment forgot where they were going.

“yoooooou ssssssssaaaaaid thaaaaat weeeee werrrrrre going to seeeeee the osh…...osh…...osheeeeeen”

“The Ocean, yes. I remember that part. What I don’t remember is where we are now. Where are we now, Babs?”

A deep unsettling silence radiated from the back seat of the car. It was unlike Babs to be quiet, especially when she knew something.

“Babs?”

“Sweeeeeeeeeet Beeeear. I promissssssed you thisssss day would commmmme. I jussssst didnnnnn’t think thatttt I would looooooove yooooou when it came”

Claire felt the hair on her neck rise up.

“what?”

“I knnnnnnnneeeeeew you wooooouldn’t lisssssten tooooo your fa-ther. I KNEW that you woooould driiiiiive until the suuuuuuun was set. My sweeeeet bear” Claire could hear the sound of slithering in the back seat until suddenly, Babs’ voice was right within her ear.

“When you were a little bear. A small one, your Mother beggged me not to take you. She ppppleaded that I let you stay with them. She sooooo wanted a lit-tle girl. She knew making a deeeeal with me meant thaaaat you would not be a foreeeever.” Claire looked around. She wasn’t in the car anymore.

“Oh I’m asleep. Of course I’m asleep” she looked around once more to see nothing but darkness, instead of the comfort of her car, she sat upon a hollowed log. She sighed

“this dream again. Okay, whatever. Just let it run it’s course I guess”

“No, my sweeeeeeet bear. Thissss is what life isssss”

Claire looked down at her legs, and saw nothing.

“Babs, this is the weirdest dream I’ve ever had” Claire’s mouth felt like sandpaper. She smacked her lips together over and over, trying to rid them of scratching.

“Your Mooooother wassss not a-ble. Sssshe could on-ly cry at night forrrr what might havvvvve beeeen” Claire rolled her eyes deeply. This dream was really getting annoying.

“Wheeeeen sssshe assssked meeee I told her. I sssssaid that havvvving a babbbbby came at a cosssst”

Claire put her hands on either side of her.

“Just press down. Feel something solid beneath you.” she whispered to herself.

“Havvvvving a babbbby isssss not alllll it is crackk-ed up to be my sweeeeeet bear. I ammmm sorrrrrry ourrrr time together hasssss ended” Claire closed her eyes

“Just ride out the dream. Just ride it out until the end…..”

 

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Well

Let me explain

You see….
I know that it's unwise to believe in magic, especially in desperate circumstances.
But I needed the magic to be real
I NEEDED to have some miracle of God or Devil.
You see, the drought
There had been a terrible drought.
And all of the stores had run out of the bottled stuff.

She’d been…..

I’m sorry, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

“She” is the Witch of the Wood. I know that sounds silly, like something out of a children’s book.

But in my town, there’s a woman known as “the Witch of the Wood”

She lives in a dear little cottage in the country, just a mile outside of Maryland. People travel from all over for her remedies and her soaps, shampoos and essential oil blends.

But, I think the most Mysterious of her gifts is the big water well that resides in her yard. It’s like something you’d see in a fairly tale, all stone, with a roof above it that looks like a mushroom cap, red with white spots. It’s really quite adorable, and if you didn’t know better, you’d assume that’s all is was: adorable.

I went to the Witch.

I had hoped that maybe she had answers. That maybe she could solve the drought

I was a desperate man.

She just smiled at me, and led me to the little well. She took a large ladle that hung on a hook on the mushroom roof. She filled a large jug of water, and handed it to me.

“Come back when you need more” She’d said, and took my money.

When I tell you that this water tasted like candy, I want you to understand my meaning. It wasn’t just that water was scarce, this water seemed to have some sort of power to it. When I drank it tasted like lemonade with vodka. Or a vanilla milkshake with bourbon. I don’t know how to describe it other than, it was unbelievably delicious. And I felt so strong afterwards.

Like, like I could lift a car with ease. Like I could move a mountain with just a flick of the wrist.

I tried to ration my jug, I really did. I couldn’t help myself! After 3 days, I returned to her with payment. She gladly gave me more of the sweet water, this time though, in a smaller jug.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked, thinking that perhaps she was running out of large jugs

“Nothing is wrong. That is your jug” She held out her hand for payment.

I assume that it was a means of keeping me rationed. I assumed she did it with everyone who came to her for water.

But then…..

I suppose I don’t have to tell you that it wasn’t long before I was coming to her everyday. Everyday I would come to her home in the country, and I would give her money and she’d give me a jug.

I tried to ignore

That every time I returned the jug was slightly smaller.

Then one day

She stopped saying “Come back” and would just hand me the jug and say “Go”

The last time I came to get a jug was…..it was different.

She was standing on her step as though she’d been expecting me. I greeted her with a smile, but she didn’t smile back.

“Why have you come?” her tone was different. Even more harsh than the last time I’d come.

“I’m….here for more water? From the well?” I couldn’t believe the shakiness in my voice, I sounded like a frightened child.

“Leave” She howled, so deeply I was sure thunder could be created in her throat. “You have taken everything you deserve from the Well. There is no more left for you”

“How can there suddenly be no more water left for me? How is it possible that the INFINITE Well suddenly has no water left?”

Her hands came to clasp one another in front of her torso.

“I said there is no water left for YOU” I felt all the blood rush into my face

“I was worthy enough when you were taking my money, wasn’t I? How come all of a sudden I’m not worthy? I call Bullshit. Capitalism dictates you shut up and take my money” I continued towards her.

“STOP RIGHT THERE! IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT” All I could think about was this water, this Well, I looked down at my jug in hand. The one she’d seemingly taken from me week after week, day after day

I saw how small it had become.

“I am drinking from that Well” I tried to sound firm, but I could hear a shake in my voice.

“Don’t touch the Well! I’m warning you! The powers that be have spoken, and I’m telling you you’d be a fool not to listen!”

I tried to ignore her, but as I walked around the house I could feel the weight of her body catapult into mine.

“THERE IS NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU HERE! LEAVE NOW, OR I’LL CALL THE LAW”

I….

I can’t explain what happened I just sort of….

She was attacking me you see…

I threw her off of me.

She was so strong for such a little thing….I can barely remember it

It wasn’t my fault, it was an accident.

When I checked her pulse….There was nothing for me to do then…..it was too late.

So I figured I might as well, right? Well...ha….ytr

All I have is this tiny little jug, all I have is…..

I really need it, so badly

I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be here. Please stop looking at me like that

I’m asking you

Begging you please

I know what this looks like. I know what you must be thinking

I realize this must be your first time here, I can clearly see that it is

I don’t want to get violent with you, but you see once you kill someone it kinda gets easier to do it again, I’m not afraid to crack your head over that beautiful stone

Please,

just…..hand over your jug…...

 

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Dear Reader

 For the month of November I will be participating in National Novel Writing Month. In order to do this, I decided to take a break from my short stories for now. I will continue with your regularly scheduled spookiness come December.

In the meantime, if you are interested in reading my novel piece by piece as I write it, I invite you to  join my Patreon at: https://www.patreon.com/TaylorNicolas 

Thank you so much for being  a part of my dreams.

I'll see you soon.

<3 Taylor Nicolas

Internet Connection Lost

 JP sat cross-legged on the bed she once shared with Jason. How much time had gone by? How long had she been waiting for him to come back? The day seemed to be so long, and from time to time she tried to log into her blog to see if there were any comments, maybe an update from someone who had been following along with her journey. But nothing. She couldn't even connect. She figured that a storm was coming in, and that she would wait for it to pass.

The van wouldn't start either. She had at one point decided to travel into town to contact someone about what had happened, but nothing. No sound, no click, just silence.

She could try to walk out, just walk away from the van and into the town. But, what if she couldn't find her way back?

She kept herself going by repeating over and over that eventually, Jason had to come back.

He had to.

After all, all of his stuff was in this van. She was in the van, and you don't just abandon everything you own over a little argument. Especially not when you're expecting to marry the person with whom there was an argument.

    To JP, it had been just a few hours. a few hours of sitting on the bed in the back of the van, waiting for Jason. The internet had been down for just a little while, and soon everything would be back to normal.

What JP didn't know, was that it had been 4 months. JP had been sitting on the bed, legs crossed, for 4 months of endless day. She had walked deep into the woods the first day, but to her, it was just a walk to and from the lake. She  tried to drive out the second day, and had been checking her phone every hour. To her, it was just a very long day. Not even too long of a day, just one of those summer days that seem to go on forever, despite it being autumn.

JP knows nothing of the Things that Possess. She knows nothing of the rules that come with being removed from your vessel, or what's more finding a new vessel to inhabit. She doesn't know that Jason and Elizabeth, who has been living blissfully as JP, have already been married for a week and a half.

She doesn't know that all she has to do, is find a new vessel, and she'll be free from this endless day.

All she knows 

is that Jason will be back

Any moment now

Jason will be right back......

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Palate Cleanser "The Girl"

         The trick is, not to give in to doubt. Really that's all that matters overall, in terms of being possessed. And frankly, Elizabeth was a girl who had always been full of doubt. She'd first come to the lake when she was 6 with her Father and brothers on a camping trip. She'd been so unsure of the lake itself, screaming and crying about monsters in the water, that she refused to go fishing. She sat on the shore while her family stood in the water casting lines. Causing such a ruckus that anything they could have caught was scared away. Her Father became so aggravated with her nonsense that he cut the trip short by a whole day. They didn't even have a chance to sleep in the woods.

Yes, Elizabeth was definitely a prime candidate for possession. 

        In High school, a boy asked her to the Junior formal and she worried herself sick thinking that it was all a trick.

    "He's probably going to dump fish heads down my dress. Or try and get me drunk and take advantage"

Truth be told, poor Mark Maverson just liked the way she looked, and wanted to take her out. But when she stood in front of him silently, becoming more and more uncomfortable as the wheels in her head turned and turned, he knew he'd made a terrible mistake.

    "Umm.... you know what Liz, I actually think I'm going to see my Grandma that weekend, so just forget it" He'd taken off in an almost sprint as soon as the words left his lips. He would never talk to Elizabeth again, not even during an exam  Senior year when he desperately needed a no. 2 pencil.

    Elizabeth lived a life of doubt and caution all the way up until her 18th birthday when she decided that she no longer wanted to be a mouse.

She was fed up with this life of utter sadness. Her hair was perpetually falling out, her heart was always pumping out of her chest, her eyes were sunken in so deeply one would think she was posing as a ghoulish specter. 

Very bravely, as brave as you could expect from her, Elizabeth approached her Father. She told him, voice shaking, that she wanted to go to the lake for her birthday. That she wanted him to show her how to fish, and she wanted to sleep under the stars.

You'd think an Outdoors-man such as Matthew Pierson would be please that his daughter finally wanted to follow in his footsteps. Instead, he glared at her over the rim of his glasses, still holding his morning paper.

    "Elizabeth, I don't know what it is you're playing at, but I want no part in it. If you're thinking for one minute, after what you put me through not too long ago that I would EVER take you back to the lake....." He trailed off. This usually meant that he was going to say something completely cruel, but then realized his daughter's delicate disposition couldn't take the blow. Elizabeth wanted to tell him he was wrong. That in fact that "not too long ago" was actually 12 years ago, and that she wouldn't cry on the shore for hours and hours. But unfortunately, she'd used all of her bravery to tell her Father that she wanted to go to the lake. She walked back up to her room with the speed of a geriatric tortoise. 

Her speed granted her time to think, and by the time she reached the top of the stairs she'd decided that she was going to the lake on her own. She would show everyone that she wasn't a scaredy cat or a meek little mouse. She would be the kind of girl who said "Yes!" When a boy asked her to a dance. The kind of girl who went swimming without feel of serpents, and ate ice cream without fear of aneurysm. 

    At this point, an intelligent human being might have come to the conclusion that our dear Elizabeth Pierson is suffering from some sort of Mania, or Anxiety disorder. You may be screaming

    "Good god! Someone take that girl to a Doctor! She needs medical attention!" 

I regret to inform you that, apparently in Elizabeth's life, there were no intelligent humans. It is this, a lack of intelligence, that creatures of possession prey upon.

In another world, in another story, written by some other writer who is not so hell bent on warning you and telling you these truths, Elizabeth might have had a beautiful coming of age.

 But instead

That night, when her brother's and Father went to sleep, Elizabeth took a knapsack,  a sandwich, a flashlight, and her bicycle and went out into the woods.

She was not prepared. You would think a girl who had been raised by a man such as Matthew Pierson would have known everything there was to know about camping. But, like he said, Matthew had given up on her at the age of 6. After all, Matthew was a much better Outdoors-man then he was a Father.

That night, armed with a little red flashlight, Elizabeth walked on an unknown trail until she heard water. She followed the sound of the water until she came to a clearing, where the moon was as big as a Ferris wheel and just as close. It shown so brightly that Elizabeth forgot that she was afraid of the woods, and the water, and for that matter the moon. She started a little fire, and allowed herself to lie down in the moon's light, breathing in her surroundings. She almost fell asleep when...

    "Hello" Elizabeth's eyes shot open, she sat up with a swift jolt. She suddenly remembered her deep seeded fear, and overwhelming doubt. But there was nothing. No person around, no animal, just...the Moon.

    "Hello" Elizabeth replied surprisingly calm.

    "What's your name?" The voice asked. It's sound was soft like music played on a stringed instrument.

    "Elizabeth. What's yours?"

    "Don't have one."

    "You don't have one? Where are you?" Elizabeth looked all around, and when she once again saw no one, she rested her eyes on the Moon.

"Is that you?" She asked

    "Yes, that's me. I have been watching you. And I like you very much. Would you like to swim in my water?"

Like I said before, Elizabeth was a human full of doubt. But something about the Moon's sweet voice left her feeling....nothing. Not fear, not doubt, not peace. Just....nothing.

She closes her eyes and breathed in the water, the sky, and the moon. She rose to her feet, and walked into the water.

    The Moon, dear reader, cannot speak. The Moon is a giant gravity rounded astronomical body  238,900  miles away from the earth. But what  CAN speak, are the things that possess. They have no faces, no outward appearances. They just sort of float through the earth looking for a vessel. And this thing that possesses, this one was completely entranced by Elizabeth's vessel.

Elizabeth stepped into the water, and allowed herself to become submerged. She was suddenly on the other side of the lake. How had this happened? She was sure she'd fallen asleep and dreamed it all, until she saw herself come walking out of the water. She watched herself gather her things, and leave the campground. Elizabeth shook her head, only, when she went to shake her head she couldn't move.

She tried to look down at her hands, her feet her torso, only to find there was nothing.

She was no longer.

She was just, a consciousness. 

       In the days and years that followed, Elizabeth Pierson would come to be known as the most fun, adventurous and brave woman that the town had ever seen. Her hair grew in thick, her skin perked in the sun, and her eyes glimmered like jewels.

Her Father was so pleased with her turn around that he would often take her to the Lake and go fishing. Sometimes, in the night though, he'd hear her laughing. Cackling even. But it didn't matter.

Elizabeth was finally the girl that would say "Yes!" when a boy would ask her to a party. She was never called a mouse, or told she looked like a ghoulish specter. Finally the daughter her Father had always wanted, the sister her brother's could adore.

And isn't that, after all, what she'd wanted all along? 

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Status 24

 I walked out into the woods and I can't find him.

I can't find him anywhere.

I decided that I would try to drive to the next town, call the police.

But the Van won't start. I put the keys in the ignition, and nothing happens

Nothing at all.

Everything seems so bright now and I can hear a loud ringing in my ears. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them again it was dark

Almost too dark to see.

I tried to call his cellphone, but nothing happens. No dial tone, no ringing

Nothing

I don't know what to do now. 

</3 JP

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Status 23

Hey Family

I just wanted to update you! Me and Jason are officially ENGAGED!!

I'm so excited for what the future holds, and I can't wait to spend my life with him. We're on our way back to Illinois to get things ready because

I can't wait!

Love you all so much! Keep you posted

<3 J 

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Status 22

 I CAN'T FIND HIM

I went out into the woods to look for him

I can't find him I can't.

I know that I said that I would go on without him, I know I said that, but

It's been 3 days and I'm too scared to go on without him

what if he's hurt?

Or dead?

I can't find him anywhere. I walked out along the trail and I couldn't see anything

I can't find him

What do I do?

I can't

I'll get blamed

this is all my fault I know it

I'm being punished, that's why I'm having the dreams and that's why Jason is missing and that's why my

That's why

Sorry I thought I heard something outside of the van, I went to check but

I'm going to contact the police.

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Status 21

 She is asleep, and when she sleeps I am awake

I go into the forest, to the mother of the wilderness

I speak her name into the sky, she knows that I am here.

I go to the one that waits for me and I tell him that it's almost finished

I am almost completely one with her.

I touch the trees

I touch the ground

I know our time together is short, me and the other

I can see her sleeping inside of us

I can feel her dream of the lake where we met

I can hear  her crying out for the man she claims to love

Soon there will be no sleep for her

No dreams

No crying

Only pain

I go to the man she claims to love in the woods.

 I see him laying on the ground in the lap of my sister

She is pleased with what she's done. 

 I too love him

I stroke his hair

I watch him sleep

His pain is almost over

So close

Soon

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Status 20

 I woke up this morning and Jason was still gone

I waited as long as I could, it got dark and I got nervous so....

I left the van just to see if he was outside

I thought that

I thought that maybe he was still cooling off from our fight

I thought I saw an animal, so I went back into the van.

It was large, like the size of a bear, but it's outline was like some sort of jackrabbit.

I went back into the van and tried to relax. I guess it worked because I ended up going to sleep.

I woke up at noon and he's still not here

Guys I'm so nervous, what if he's left for good? 

No, no he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave me here like this

If he's not back by tomorrow morning

I'm going to travel on as planned

love always

</3 JP

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.

Palate Cleanser "Origins"

 Josephine was always the kind of girl who needed to fit in. Even in her early years, at the very young age of 2, she needed all the kids in her daycare class to like her. Love her.

It wasn't helpful that her parents gave her a family name that was no longer popular. Kids called her "Jo" which, isn't really an insult. But when you're a little girl who wants to fit in, being called by a "boys name" can be absolute torture. 

Once she reached middle school, she started going by "Josie" and that seemed to do the trick. She was the most popular girl in her grade, reading all the magazines and keeping tabs on all the forums of what was "hot or not".

This lasted a while. She was Josie all the way up until high school graduation. She didn't have a mission, a plan, a direction. She'd spent all of her time wanting to achieve popularity and fitting in, that she'd barely considered a future. So, she did what everyone else was doing and attended an out of state college "undecided".

All her friends were going to state schools, or New York, or California. Being from a State in the Midwest she went with the response "Anywhere but here" when the conversation turned to her and what she was going to do. they would all laugh and say things like "True True" and continue on.

Josie graduated from Penn State University with a Bachelors degree in Art/ Art studies. It was the only subject she did even remotely in, and with it she still had no plan.

    Now, Josie got a job at a Museum paying barely enough to afford a Coke. That's where she met him.

Jason.

Jason was the most beautiful man Josie had ever seen. He had long dirty blonde hair, which he often pulled back into a bun, and brown eyes that reminded her of caramel sauce. Jason was a "wanderer" He lived in a van and traveled all over the United States. She was shocked when she found out that he was only 19. He hadn't been to college.

    "No need" He'd said over a mug of hot chai at the cafe inside the Museum. Josie was entranced. In the years to follow she would often recall this particular event as when she "Fell in love with him"

The truth would be, in fact, that she saw an opportunity. An out, if you will.

She suddenly realized that she could take on his life, his dreams, his ambitions. She could take them and make them her own.

However

Jason was already involved with another woman. Another girl named MaryBeth, who he very affectionately called "MB"

He would only be in town for a week he told her

They were soon going to be traveling to the Midwest.

This was Josie's chance. 

    "Oh my God! I'm from the Midwest!" she'd said, in a completely unorganic tone.

    "Seriously? What are the chances. Where?"

    "Where are you going?"

    "Chicago Probably"

    "Oh my God, I'm from a small town RIGHT outside Chicago!"

Josie was from Wisconsin. "Do you think, maybe, I can hitch a ride with you?"

And sweet, trusting Jason agreed. 

MB accepted Josie into their van with Open arms. Lovingly. She was so naive and trusting that nothing would come between her and her beloved Jason.

Josie made sure that her and Jason were alone, often. It was a long drive from Pennsylvania to Illinois. They made many stops just to "Enjoy the scenery"

Josie proceeded to be the very best friend she could to MB. And whenever she and Jason had even the slightest hint of a fight, Josie made sure that MB knew she deserved "Better"

I want to tell you that MB and Jason saw right through it. That they both had the foresight to know that this person was a poison to the good thing they had.

But, unfortunately, by the time they reached Chicago, MB was MaryBeth again. 

And in secret, Josie had become JP.

They parted ways with JP replacing MaryBeth in every aspect. Their bed, Jason's thoughts, and his online career. 

Josephine felt like she was finally back to her proper glory. The most popular girl in school was the most popular girl on the blogosphere.

And until about a month ago

She'd shown no remorse.......

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Status 19

 I feel

So incredibly sick. Today Jason told me that he proposed to me ALMOST A MONTH AGO

Why don't I remember this?

We had a huge fight, I told him that if he wanted to treat me like I was his wife he was going to have to man up and ask me.

And he

He said that he had

That he did a month ago and that I had said yes

And he was so angry. He left and went for a walk alone out along a trail.

I feel terrible. I think.....I think we're going to break up.

I see that stupid lake in my dreams every night. EVERY NIGHT 

And every morning when I wake up I feel like I've lost time

and now

now I know that I have.

I hope Jason comes back soon.

It's getting dark

 

<3 JP

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Palate Cleanser "Chloe"

 I have often read tales, and heard tales, about children who were never seen without a smile. Children who maintained a smile on their face, despite having suffered great loss or seen terrible misfortune.

And this is a concept meant to comfort the listener or reader

it's intent is to allow you to feel warmth within your chest, that if this imaginary child can persevere, well by God so can you. But has anyone ever stopped to reflect

To think

maybe such a child is not something so glorious.

    When I met Chloe, she was  a picture of happiness. Her entire being was something of joy and wonder, never without her sweet dolly and a smile. I wondered why her Mother might bring such a happy child to see me. After all, most parents bring unhappy children to see a Psychologist, not blissfully happy ones. While Chloe played with her dolly in the corner, smiling and singing to herself, I turned to her Mother to ask just that.

    "Mrs. Walcolmb" I said, using my kindest, softest voice "Perhaps it's not my services that you need...."

Before I could finish, Mrs. Walcolmb was wringing her hands furiously, her eyes filling with tears.

    "It's too much Doctor Bishop" She managed to force the words out before her tears overcame her. "It's too much. I thought that.....well that is I believed......my husband died 3 months ago, did you know that Doctor Bishop?" I put my hand on hers. 

    "Yes. Yes I did know that Mrs. Walcolmb. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. But, again, it would appear that your child is adapting well. I know that's a difficult thing to hear...."

    "NO! She NEVER cries!" I was so startled by her outburst that I jumped just a little. I immediately looked over at the child, making sure she was still playing happily. She was. In fact, she seemed completely un-phased by her Mother's outburst. I had to wonder if this was a common occurrence.

    "I'm sorry, Mrs. Walcolmb. But by 'she never cries' do you mean she hasn't cried since your husband's passing?"

    "I mean she has never once cried" Mrs. Walcomb raised her hand, pink from friction, up to her nose to wipe away her sadness.

"When she was an infant, I considered myself lucky. I thought that I was so fortunate to have a child so happy. So peaceful. It took me years to conceive. I thought that when I finally did, my child would surely be a terror. That's what all my friends with children said. 'You never know what kind of a child you'll get' So when I got Chloe...." She closed her eyes now, tightly. Taking in a deep breath as she continued

"She never cried. Not for a changing. Not for a bottle. Never, not once. Not when she fell off of her tricycle. Not even when children at school pushed her down, she would always just....smile. Always smiling." 

    I'm here to tell you, this was the strangest complaint I had ever encountered. A child that never cried? That sounds like a gift from the heavens! I obliged anyhow. I thought at the very least I would be able to set a Mother's mind at ease, and perhaps suggest an adult Doctor for herself. Perhaps Mrs. Walcolmb could benefit from a strong dose of Xanax.

    After Mrs. Walcolmb left the room (I suggested going to the Cafe across the street and having a nice cup of chamomile) I began my conversation with Chloe.

She smiled and played with her dolly sweetly. I sat on the floor across from her, and began my regular banter

    "What a lovely doll you have"

    "Yes! She's my very best friend"

    "What's her name?"

    "Karla"

    "What a nice name. Where did you come up with such a lovely name?"

It was now that Chloe looked up from her playing and locked eyes with me. They were the kind of blue that you would see in a Renoir painting.

    "Karla is the name of Daddy's love" Chloe smiled so wide, and suddenly I felt a sense of unease.

    "Daddy's love?"

    "Yes! Before Daddy met Mommy, and had me, Daddy was in love with a beautiful woman named Karla" I furrowed my brow. 

    "Chloe, is this something Mommy and Daddy told you? Or is it a game?"

    "It's a game of course! A game I would play with Mommy and Daddy. Before Daddy died and went to heaven." I thought to myself in this moment that the solution was clear.

This child doesn't understand death. Why would she!

    "Chloe, my dear, do you know what that means? 'Daddy went to heaven'?"

It is now that I'm going to ask you to take a break from reading. Take a deep breath, perhaps get some water. What I'm about to tell you is going to set you on edge.

In a song bird like voice, Chloe replied

    "Of Course I do silly! Daddy is gone! Gone forever!  His body is beginning to rot now, you see. He's never ever ever ever ever coming baaaack! HAHA it's funny you see?"

    "Why would something like that be funny?"

    "Well.....The night that Daddy died, he and Mommy had a big fight. A BIG fight! Me and Karla, we were in my bedroom playing. And Daddy, Daddy yelled 'you BITCH you will NEVER understand me!' And then Mommy yelled 'Go back to your WHORE' and then I heard the door slam!"

I looked into that child's eyes and a chill ran down my spine. Looking into my eyes, with her dirty blond ringlets in a heap all around her head and cheeks, she was smiling. And not the kind of smiling when you're trying to smile through pain. I had seen that smile one too many times.

This smile

This was the smile of someone who had just told a joke. Someone who was telling about their ballet recital, or their kitty cats. This was a smile of pure joy. 

    "And then what happened Chloe" I was surprised to hear my voice shaking.

    "Daddy left the house, and didn't come back. I think he went to see his whore. What does 'whore' mean?"

    "It's a naughty word. Now, you didn't tell me why that was funny?" 

    "OH! I'm so sorry. It's funny because Daddy died. It's funny because he left the house to go to his....the naughty word.....and then he never ever ever came back. Good riddance!"

I'm sure that I don't have to tell you, this is not an appropriate response for an 8 year old. Or really anyone. I decided that maybe it was best for Chloe to continue seeing me.And I intended to tell Mrs. Walcolmb when she returned.

But

Mrs. Walcolmb never came back to the office. In fact, when I called the Cafe to see if she was alright, they told me that nobody fitting her description had been there at all.

I would like to tell you that this was a misstep. That eventually Chloe's Mother returned and I was able to schedule another session. Unfortunately, Mrs. Walcolmb never came back.

Chloe Elyse Walcolmb was immediately placed in the foster care system. She seemed unaffected by her Mother's disappearance. In fact, she seemed happy to be at her first placement.

And her second

And her third

And her fourth

Every Foster family said the same thing 

    "She's too happy"

I am sure that you were expecting something terrifying to occur here. That I would tell you that little Chloe was a murderer or an animal abuser. Or that she drowned foster siblings in a lake.

None of that, thank goodness.

But I will say this

She never stopped smiling. She never appropriately grieved the death of her Father, the disappearance of her Mother. She never wept over being moved from home to home.

She showed nothing but joy every day of her life, all the way up until 13

when the tumor  finally took her. Suddenly it all made sense.

Her mother never thought to take her to a Neurologist. Strange.

It's equally strange that she chose to take her daughter to me.

Of every child Psychologist in the world

She must have known.

Or at least made the connection. 

Then again "Karla" isn't a terribly uncommon name.

Perhaps she thought it was a coincidence.

Or perhaps not. 

Grief is a funny thing after all.

 

 

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Status 18

Update

 I decided today to go through my posts to see exactly when I started feeling sick

 And I think I've been hacked.

 I have a couple weird posts on here that I didn't write. 

Just know that those weren't me. 

I changed my passwords and everything It shouldn't happen again. 

 Anyways, not much to report! 

We've been on the road for a day and a half.

 I'm feeling so much better, and Jason is the happiest I've ever seen him! 

Maybe we'll stop somewhere tomorrow to see some sights. 

Stay tuned

 Love always<3 <3 <3 <3 JP

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Status 17

Hey Fam! I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I promise it will be more adventures from now on

I'm feeling sooooo much better, We left the hospital yesterday and Jason says that we need a REAL change of scenery....soooo....

WE'RE HEADING OFF TO THE WEST COAST

I am SO stoked.

More to come! We're going to be uploading a lot from the road!

Thanks for all your love and support, I couldn't have done this without you.

<3 <3 <3 <3 JP

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Status 16

 I am hers

She is mine

I am hers

She is mine

He is mine

HE IS MINE

She is almost there

Almost there

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Status 15

I am not without thought

 She is mine 

We are each other 

And in the end, this will all be forgotten 

I awoke to a hospital bed

 Surrounded by light.

I sat up, and looked upon the man who has asked me to marry him.

I told him that I was well, that this was not necessary. 

He told me that it was my own insistence that brought us here.

 I run my fingers through my hair

 How refreshing to feel a thick mane instead of damp threads on damaged skull.

 The doctor comes in and says that I am well 

But they're going to keep me overnight. 

I want to go back with my betrothed

 He is my rescuer

 He is my new home

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Status 14

I've asked Jason to take me to the hospital

I'm beginning to lose days

When I'm awake I swear I'm at our first location

Jason asks me questions regarding conversations I don't remember having

We're going to the ER now

He thinks I'm overreacting

Something is wrong

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Status 13

 She sleeps

She sleeps when I am awake

I feel free and happy

I can feel the water on my face when it rains

I can feel my heart in my chest

And it's mine

All

Mine

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Status 12

 I'm so cold all the time

I don't know what's happening to me. Jason keeps talking nonsense

Today he said he wanted to "Take a walk on the beach and make plans" He said he was worried that I hadn't talked about "it" at all.

We went for a walk by the lake. I thought maybe taking a walk would help me with some perspective.

He kept talking about our friends and our parents

He asked me what I wanted

The lake was so merky 

He wanted to go for a swim

When I looked into the water

It wasn't my face, It was that girl's.

I think I'm getting sick

I think something is wrong with me.

When Jason came out of the water his skin was covered in sludge

Green sludge.

Somebody please

Someone please send me help

Or advice

I'm so cold

All the time

So cold

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